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My Slant on the Writing Life

Yesterday, which existed once upon a time, but now is nothing more than a memory I carry in my overheated brain, a friend of mine, call her Loree, because that’s her name, and that’s the odd way she spells her name, emailed me to suggest that WORDsd.com sponsor a writing contest.

Loree even suggested, if my overheated brain recalls correctly, that the writing contest should be a poetry writing contest. I could sense, through the filter of my overheated brain, that Loree was serious about the poetry writing contest. Although, when she suggested all the poetry submissions be on the theme, Peeing on a Tree, I suspect she was not serious, but was mocking an essay my overheated brain once made me write, Plein Air Peeing, which is about nothing, absolutely nothing, other than peeing on a tree.

An Important Interruption of this Essay: The Miranda rule applies to writers. When you give up the right to remain silent, anything you write can and will be used against you.

I replied to Loree’s suggestion of a WORDsd.com Poetry Writing Contest, calmly, and dispassionately, and with great forbearance. In other words, I EXPLODED IN AN ALL UPPERCASE AND BOLDED RANT AND TOLD THE GIRL THAT THE ONLY WRITING CONTEST ON THIS GREEN AND BLUE PLANET THAT IS REAL, THAT IS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT HONEST, AND THAT MATTERS, IS THE OPEN-TO-ALL-NO-ENTRY-FEE-REQUIRED-WRITING-CONTEST CALLED (drum roll) THE MARKETPLACE!

Once that steam had escaped from my overheated brain, I had cooled enough to add, in lower case, that every other writing contest, no matter how widely advertised, and no matter which name-brand writers shill for it, is concocted for the same ugly underhanded ulterior motive: So the people organizing the contest can make money.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve no doubt undertaken the journey with the hope of being given something of value, a meaning-filled message, or a Life lesson, or an insight on being a writer and living a writer’s life. That is a reasonable expectation. After all, you’ve spent 3 minutes of your once-in-a-lifetime Life to get this far, and you’d like a return on your investment. Well, friend, jump back to paragraph 5, to the ALL UPPERCASE BOLDED RANT. For that brief passage contains all I have to say of any value on the subject of Writing Contests.

Or, you can click this link and spend more of your once-in-a-lifetime Life reading what other people are writing about scams that target writers: http://www.sfwa.org/Beware

For those of you considering staying here and reading further, please be advised that what follows is no more than a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

People who write do so for their own and varied reasons.

But once people have written something, they ALL have a common craving: For someone other than themselves to read what they’ve written.

Some writers stop there, happy after their mother, spouse, or longtime friend returns their manuscript and exclaims, “Wow! You wrote that!”

We now interrupt this essay to bring a nobly altruistic Public Service Announcement to moms, spouses, and friends who find themselves burdened with reading a loved one’s manuscript. Follow the following instructions:

• Add a coffee stain on page 1,437
• Bend the top corners, aka, dog-ear, 7 random pages
• Put one or two pages out of order, preferably one near the beginning, and one near the end of the tome
• Choose 3 random sentences or short phrases, underline them, and write in the margin near each, “Yes!”

These enhancements of the pristine manuscript can be made in less than 3 minutes. That small investment will not only free you from having to read the manuscript, but more importantly, it will also keep you from awaking at 3am and asking, “Did I birth/marry/choose to be pals with the nutcase who wrote that? Are they a danger to themselves, or others, or me?” Thus freed, you have only to allow a suitable length of time to pass—we suggest one day for every 50 pages of manuscript—then you can safely return the marked-up manuscript, and exclaim, “Wow! You wrote that!” If you follow this advice, you will get to keep your cherished child, or spouse, or friend.

We now resume our regular essaying…

But many other writers crave more than someone they KNOW to read what they’ve written. In order to be happy, they want someone they DON’T KNOW to read what they’ve written. If you are one of the many writers who want someone you don’t know to read what you’ve written, send your double-spaced typewritten manuscript to me: David Boyne, c/o Green Flash Publishing, 440 4th Street, Encinitas, CA, 92024. Be sure to enclose a check in an amount equaling the number of pages sent, multiplied by $2. (E.g., 117 pages = a check for $234.00.) I promise I will read what you’ve written. Cross my heart. Please don’t bother to include a SASE or your phone number or your email address, as my promise is only to read what you’ve written. If you want me to comment on what you’ve written, please enclose a check in an amount equaling the number of pages multiplied by $493. (E.g., 117 pages = a check for $57,681.00.)

But then there remain more writers, arrogant bastards to the last man, woman, and child of them, who crave even more. They want people they don’t know to read what they’ve written, and then for those people they don’t know to pay them for the privilege of making copies of what they’ve written, and spreading those copies on the remainder tables of national chain bookstores. These writers fuel the small but thriving Remainder Table Manufacturing industry, located in North Carolina.

But then there are still a whole lot more writers left who crave even more. They are ready, willing, and able, to PAY people they don’t know to render judgment of what they’ve written as “best,” or at least, “better than the stuff other writers have paid us to judge.” These writers, through their entry fees, fuel the Writing Contest industry. (These same writers also fuel the Vanity Press industry, the Pay Me In Advance to Pretend to Read Your Manuscript and Pretend to Try To Sell It to Publishers Literary Agent industry, and the Poetry.com industry.)

Excuse me. My phone is ringing. I’ll be right back.

Oh-my-god! I’m so glad I answered that ringing phone! A transformative miracle of transformation has transformed me! I have had a change of heart! (Thank you, Dr. Jarvik!)

My friend Loree is right! Like wow totally right! The very perfect thing to do—and to do as soon as possible—is for WORDsd.com to sponsor a poetry writing contest!

(Disclaimer: This fundamental change in my view of writing contests has absolutely nothing to do with the phone call from my landlord threatening eviction if I don’t come up with the rent pronto.)

I hereby formally announce the First Ever (although it will be held monthly, as suggested by a certain landlord) WORDsd.com Poetry Writing Contest!

Inspired by Loree’s topic, Peeing on a Tree—it has been decided that all contestants in the First Ever WORDsd.com Monthly Poetry Writing Contest will pee their poems in the sand at Moonlight Beach, Encinitas! *

The WORDsd.com Monthly Poetry Writing Contest is truly different from all other contests, which are nothing more than shameful scams. Our writing contest is shameless!

Unlike other writing contests, which are only for elitist bourgeois sheep herding running dog Capitalist oppressors—Our writing contest is open to all! (The $25.00 entry fee is only to help defray the massive costs of organizing and promoting this nobly altruistic event.)

The WORDsd.com Monthly Poetry Writing Contest is totally transparent and above suspicion, because the peeing poets will be surrounded by a mob of cheering and jeering and sneering observers! (Each of whom will have donated $25.00 for the privilege of doing so, and thereby help defray the massive costs of organizing and promoting this nobly altruistic event.)

Thus, the WORDsd.com Monthly Poetry Writing Contest is the one and only writing contest on this blue and green earth in which all entrants, as well as their writing, will be exposed in public! (There will be no shady backroom deals in this writing contest. No, sir! The husband of one of the writing contest judges will not be given First Prize. No sir! He can buy it, but he will not be given it.)

Of course, all women contestants will be required to wear wet tee-shirts. (This ensures MTV will cover the event, with the television revenues used to help defray the massive costs of organizing and promoting this nobly altruistic event.)

An independent film studio from Fresno, California has nobly and altruistically offered to sponsor a special $500 prize, the Epic Award. This award will be presented to the poet with the longest…poem. (This independent film company, nobly and altruistically insisting on remaining anonymous, has also offered a role in their next movie to the Epic Award wiener. I mean, winner.)

I am so deeply grateful for this change in my opinion of writing contests. (Thank you, Loree!) With my newly inspired sense of urgency, I am certain that The WORDsd.com Monthly Poetry Writing Contest is going to be wildly successful and I fully expect by the end of summer I’ll be forever free of my landlord problems and will in fact be ready to buy several foreclosed single family homes and rent them back, nobly and altruistically, to the same families that lost them.

All of this is proof positive that you CAN achieve the American Dream by following your passion. Even when your passion is for writing contests.

I mean, for writing.

* Entries will be judged solely on literary merit. In the case of a tie in any category, the award will go to the poet judged to have the better “penmanship.”

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Other ICBWB Slants on Writing by David Boyne

Failing to Write

WRITING SUCKS!
DON'T TRY IT!

Write. Exercise. Shower.

Write Naked.

To Read Slants by David Boyne on Everything BUT Writing, visit, at your own risk:

ICouldBeWrongBut.com